drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
