I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
