Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
