Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
