I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
