Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
