He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
