Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
