Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Still dying that you shit outside
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
