Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
