i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
