I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
how does that bad decision feel?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
