The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
