it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
