Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
