life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
