If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
