I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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