my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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