I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
