Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
