you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
