I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
