He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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