yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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