He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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