doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
