Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
