Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
