I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
