Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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