Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
