Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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