Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
