even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
two words: eviction party
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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