You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
