I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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