I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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