I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
