I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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