I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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