we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
