i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
