Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
