Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
