Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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