You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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