Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
