I just threw up on my dentist
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
