When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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