You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
