Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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