A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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