I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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