No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
