he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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