Just took my morning after pill in the library
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
