Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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