I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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