i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
