If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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